Ignore this.....

Just trying to earn some free stuff.

Maybe I'll actually come back here and like blog for reals, soon.....

I Hate People

I just need to vent a little.....(I started this on 4/6)

I hate people who blatantly ask for shit. I mean where do people get off, just asking for stuff. Is that what freaking blogs are for and does it actually work? I know this gal who doesn't usually seem like that type of chick. She's more apt to like I dunno go out and build the shit she needs or grow it or knit it or whatever. She just went on her blog and was basically asking for an ipad. I don't really care about the ipad, I don't particularly want one. My point is that I had no clue how much they cost. So, I googled it - whoa, those motherfuckers are like $600-800. Um, WHAT? I can see going on your blog or even FB and asking if anyone has any hand-me-down jammies for your quickly growing toddler or even used appliances and shit. But an I-FREAKING-PAD??? Holy Jesus, that's ballsy.

I just engaged in a minor blog fight with a complete and total stranger. I've NEVER done that. I've been a well-known lurker in debate groups and shit. I don't even usually jump in on debates with my own family. It's just too much hassle. But this bitch fucking pissed me right the fuck off. BIG TIME. Like I almost wanted to call in reinforcements. I just typed out the whole fight and deleted it. HAHAHAHA. It was dumb but it freaking triggered me man, and what if she saw my blog somehow and thought I was all torn up about it. (I don't even know if it is a she, IRL but is a girl sounding name). I'll totally link the convo if anyone is interested. It was on a somewhat well-known blog. Fuck, it's still irks me. >:/

Erg, gotta go - but what is the deal with Bethany and Jill's feud on RHONY? Jeezus Jill, get off your high horse! Or is an editing thing????

Real World/Housewives

I can't stand Erica from this season's Real World. She is cute and has great hair and I think she even has a decent singing voice. But I cannot STAND her whiny, please-beg-me-to-stay attitude. For real, lady? Does that work, like ever? When she came back in and told the roommates (after changing her mind a half dozen times) that she was going to stay for them, I nearly took out our TV with the remote. GAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just flat out do not have the patience for that shit.

The rest of the cast is totally 100% snooze worthy. Or just irritating as hell.

The RHOC ended with a bang. Fucking Vicki. I regret ever saying she wasn't bad (did I even go so far as to say I liked her?). Speaking of fucking needy, holy shit! That was awesome when she almost high-tailed it outta there. What about Gretchen and SlimySlade? Jesus what kind of spell does he put on these bitches in the OC? That was BETTER than awesome when the host (I like that guy, what's his name?) put him on the spot about Slade returning to the housewives. Slade was all, "It was MY decision to not return to the show." And the host goes, "But you and Jo broke up so why would you be back?" Slade goes, "Um yeah." Or whatever. I was cracking up!!!!! And the husbands, ugh. Really? Did you notice how pissed Vicki was that Donn (he actually has two "n's" in his name) didn't come to her defense? LOLOLOLOLOL! Anyway, I hate the husbands, except for Frank and Donn. Even though Frank is a total ra-tard and Donn is probably using VIcki because she is such a freaking work horse. I can't stand Alexis or her U-G-L-Y husband. What the fuck is that jackass's name? I don't know but he has those eyes that scream pompous asshat. Alexis is so typical and blah that she totally bores me, except when she is trying to claw some poor chick's eyes out for hitting on her husband. And everyone knows that NO ONE would hit on that Lord of the Douches. I was sad and a little relieved that Tamra and Simon split the sheets. I think he was a bigger asshole IRL and kept it hidden for a few seasons. I liked him A LOT the first couple of seasons but then he always so mean spirited and yucky. I don't know if he was "controlling" or not but he certainly seemed like he had the potential to be.

Argh, I had more but my throat is hurting and I should get to bed. It's a preschool morning tomorrow,

If you came to battle, bring a shotgun...

Not really, I've just had that song stuck in my head for a few days.

Katie is walking. Like real walking! I'm actually surprised it took her this long since she crawled so early and was pulling up and walking along furniture for so long. I thought she'd be walking at 8 or 9 months.

I was just watching her play with a baby and walk all over the living room and it's like she is making that transition from a baby to a little girl.

This is NOT helping my desire to have another baby.

I'm kinda glad that Lost only has like 3 episodes left. That fucking show, I tell ya. This is the last season, time to start wrapping shit up NOT adding new characters and throwing in NEW twists and turns. Fuckers! Are the writers on acid? Jesus!

Josie and her friend are watching "Sleeping Beauty" and Josie is making her friend totally act the whole thing out. Uh, guess who gets to be Aurora? Her friend keeps calling the spinning wheel a ferris wheel and it's pissing Jos off, lol.

I had this HUGE zit on my chin and I was super embarrassed about it. Nothing would make it shrink or go away. I seriously looked like a fucking meth head. Then, I remembered the breastmilk remedy! *DING* that effer has gone down immensely in ONE day. That shit is magical, no doubt.

*yawn* um....BORING

This post is going to be boring but I am bored. I'm watching a friend's children for a couple of hours and I need to fold the laundry which is upstairs but one of the babies is sleeping up there and I don't want to wake him. So, I blog.

My contacts are bugging me. My eyes are all itchy and sometimes watery. Irritating to say the least.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't care about people. It's not like I want to be some big dickhead but I hate worrying and fretting and feeling distressed about the people in my life. It's hard enough to worry about my own interpersonal relationships but then I sometimes worry when two of my loved ones aren't getting along. I worry that I'll be caught in the middle or not caught in the middle or that they'll never make up. Or that their individual dynamic will somehow change my own universe somehow. It's probably because my parents got divorced. Kidding. I almost admire those people who can just write others out of their lives completely. Just turn it off and never think about them again or miss them. Even most of the people I have at one time or another "hated", I end up missing in a few months or years. I wonder why that is? I also wonder if I am in the minority? My brothers can just *snap* be so DONE with people. If someone does them wrong, fuck it you are fucking OUT. Maybe they think about them but they sure don't show it. How does that work?

Oh well, I never really claimed to have much emotional fortitude.

I've really had a thing for Reese's Pieces lately. So good.

Katherine is not liking to eat again. She's picked up on her nursing and I feel a lot more frequent letdowns while we nurse, but still I worry. I'm scared to weigh her. I know I should give myself a break because she's been sick and stuff. Fuuuuuuuuuck.

Josie has been such a good helper. She helps me set the table and clear it after dinner. She throws the dirty laundry down the stairs to the bottomless pile at the base of the stairs. She puts her own clean clothes away. Not to mention, she is on constant choking hazard patrol. That one is actually funny.

She also has some awesome attitude at times. Complete with heavy sighs, eye rolling and "But Maaaaaaaamaaaaaaa!"

I cannot seem to get into the Olympics this year. I have friends who are actually there watching some events, one was posting pics of the Finnish bobsled team getting shitty drunk the night before an event. Or at least that is who he said it was. He's a notorious for bragging so that might lead into lying. Frankly, he annoys me.

I can't stand Alexis on RHOC. She is such a joke. And her husband grosses me right the fuck out. Gretchen had something done to her face. She looks so scary this season. How about the way she cracks up at her own STUPID jokes all.the.time? Newsflash Gretch: YOU are not that funny. Lynn probably doesn't have the sense God gave a cork but I think she has a good heart. Vicki is not bugging me at all this season, I still think she looks like Miss Piggy but I'm glad she's being nicer to her hubs. Tamra, I really want to like but she's leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Sometimes, I feel bad for her and sometimes I want to slap her.

Alright, I guess that's it...

HEY YOU GUUUUUUUUUUUUUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started a rad, badass, sweet 365 Blog! YAY!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited about it. It forces me to take at least one photo a day and I really want to be like all the other cool kids, yo!

So, here it is. http://my365ta-da.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-1.html

I need Kari to show me AGAIN how to do a linky.

Checking in.....

I keep waiting to have something real to say so my blog has a purpose or something but who gives a fuck, right?

I'm tired. Like I have a newborn baby tired. The girls have been sick (I'm going on 3 nights of no more than 4 hrs sleep) and I never seem to get good sleep when they are hacking and snorting and gagging and even puking. I have to draaaaaaaaaaaaag myself up outta bed and I've perfected the art of making coffee with my eyes basically shut. I should be doing laundry while Katherine is occupied but I'll blog because I like never blog. (I only read about a dozen a day.)

I've been thinking about starting a 365 project - I'm not sure if Amy still reads this boring mofo but if you do - what do you think? Originally, I thought 365's could be started anytime but the more I see of them, the more I see you really are supposed to start them at the beginning of the year. Poop. I know I can start a blog about whatever the fuck I want to, but I am a rule follower. What a tragic dilemma. Heh. I love seeing Amy's 365, it just makes me smile and I see a lot of growth in her photography. (Such a grown-up sounding sentence in mah head.)

I'm excited for Greys and PP tonight. That's what my life has become, getting excited for frigging TV shows.

My big girl turned FOUR yesterday. She is pretty sick, she has a baaaaaaad cough, fever, runny nose, etc. Poor baby doesn't even really have a voice. So, last night I gave her a nice toasty bath right after dinner and blew her hair dry. Then, I rubbed some homemade Vick's crap on her chest and back and feet, tucked her into the recliner under her furry princess blanket where she fell asleep. A full hour and a half before her regular bedtime. Score! James put her to bed about 45 minutes later and then went to check on her two hours after that.

I was just getting Katherine to sleep, she was nursing and in that nursing coma/zone. James came out of Josie's room holding her under the armpits and half running to the bathroom. He goes, "Jodi, she threw up."

Great.

James stripped her down and put her back in the bath because she had, of course, barfed all over her freshly washed and dried hair. I put Katherine down to assess the damage in her bed. Puke. I gingerly picked through the bedding trying to decipher what had vomit shrapnel on it and what was clean. Thankfully, it wasn't too bad. By this point Katherine if fucking LIVID.

Josie was sobbing and barking and holding her chest.

I grabbed my phone and called my mama. It's what I always do when something is even slightly wrong or off or good or funny or....you get the picture. As near as we can tell, she just coughed so hard she threw up. That or the fever upset her tummy.

Fuck, I didn't mean to make this such a long story. Anyway, she had a horrible fucking night, alllllllll on the very day of her fourth birthday. It was so pathetic, I wanted to cry.

OK. *sigh* I guess I've wasted enough time. I'll go re-wash the puke laundry. Yum.

What to blog, what to blog.....?

I want to blog but I don't really have much to say. Just random boring shit that most of you already know about - HA!

Let's see...I hate liars. Like bad. I don't mind those little lies, we all do those. If I ask you if my hair looks like Hooch's in A League of Their Own and you graciously say "Pfft, of course not", that lie is forgivable. Or if you lie about your weight on your driver's license, the size of the fish you caught, or the fact that you got fired instead of quitting your job, all no biggies in my book.

It's the BIG ones, I get fired up about. I have these people in my life that I should love unconditionally (and I do) but they are liars. The bad kind. They tell lies about just "bumping into" celebrities or having high profile, well paying jobs without a high school diploma or even a GED. They lie about being married, for fuck's sake. They lie about abortions and fucking paranormal activity. I am NO kidding, I'm not even exaggerating. So, now one of them supposedly has a serious illness and I feel like a total tool for not jumping on the empathy band wagon. There is a possibility that it is true, buuuuuuuuut I dunno. If you've lied over and over and over I am not running to your side when you have a tragedy and no proof. But I'll fake it because I'm nice like that, I guess. Or I just don't want everyone else to think I am a big asshole.
The thing is that most of their lives revolve around something that will get them some big time sympathy. Which is normal, right? Isn't that what liars lie about? Or why they lie, rather? I need to work on being nicer. They had pretty shitty childhoods and have very little support now as adults. But that is true of A LOT of people who don't lie about the dumbest fucking shit.

I am 100% addicted to The Bachelor and like Valk, I need to give a shout out to Andrea's blog if you watch. She'll have you in stitches and wishing you could be in the same room with her watching it. (I guess if you want to read it, leave me a comment, I don't know how to do a linky thing.)

I'm also waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay into Teen Mom. Andrea, do you watch that one? I know Valk and Tash do..... We need someone to do a detailed blog about that show. I am freaking IN LOVE with Tyler and Catelynn - the little couple who gave their baby girl up for adoption. Every time they are on the screen, I just want to cry and usually, I do. I hate their parents and am shocked that they are so great despite their upbringing. Amber is a lazy, fucking idiot. She and her *gag* boyfriend, Gary, are so disgusting, I can practically smell them from here. The worst thing is, I think the baby gets forgotten most of the time. Maci and Asshole Ryan are another favorite couple of mine, but only because of Maci. That little girl has a good head on her shoulders and she seems to be trying so dang hard to be a good mama to her little boy. Ryan, ugh that piece of shit. I would be ashamed if he were my child. Farrah, the single mom, seems to be finally getting her shit together. But she was a real disappointment for a while. I think she'll be ashamed when she sees the way she treats her mom. (But her mom is fucking annoying, I guess.)

Welp, that's all I have time for, for now. The baby (ack - she is ONE - not really a baby anymore!) needs to nurse.

Discord

How do rectify a bad situation? How do make it better with someone you love when you're just not jiving or even openly disagreeing with them?

I've been sitting here for a few days wondering how to make things better between me and someone I care deeply about. It's not James, not to worry there. I know how to make things better with him. Actually I always thought I knew how to make things better with this other person, too but now I am not so sure. I tried talking to her but she just got super defensive and shot me down. BTW, it is no one who reads this blog. She doesn't even know this blog exists. She would be appalled, I'm sure.

I feel like the end of an era is near. We are blood related so I know that our relationship will not disappear entirely, but I just have this sinking feeling that the closeness we have experienced most o f our lives is dissipating. It's breaking my heart. Especially since Josie thinks of her as a hero, and I more than adore her children. I think I just need to learn to distance myself and not have any high expectations of her or our relationship. It hurts me deeply but it's not like it's a death or something completely tragic.

Blah, I hate being a downer. Shitfuckshitfuckass. Meh, now I feel a little better.

It's been a while since I last blogged, a lot has gone on but apparently nothing worth really mentioning now......

I found a super easy recipe for dutch babies and they're pretty awesome, easy and cheap. But not low fat or low carb. I was thinking for my girls on Atkins that they might be low carb but they have flour in them, bummer. I was on Atkins a hundred years ago when it first came out. I never fucking felt worse in my whole life. I couldn't eat bacon for YEARS after that. But I think they have made a TON of improvements on it in recent years. My girls who are on it talk about it and it definitely makes more sense than the Atkins I was on.

I don't have any resolutions, I always fail those motherfuckers in about 6 days. I am trying to not have any grandiose plans but welcome the years blessing with an open heart. (I totally stole that from one of my favorite blogs!) One other thing I am trying to do is not make everything all about me all the time. To not take every little thing personally and not rely on the perpetually un-fucking-reliable. I hate, hate, hate, HATE being disappointed. So, if I don't expect people to be there for me, I won't be hurt when they aren't.

Thank fucking GOD for the Internet and the relationships I have there or I would be totally up Shit Creek.

EFF!!!!!!!!!!

Fuckin ear infections. I was hoping and PRAYING that we could make it through one motherfucking Christmas without Josie getting sick. *sigh* I guess she has a week to get better.

Actually, not even a whole week. We will leave to go to the ranch/my mom's on either Sunday or Monday. Annnnnd in true Jodi fashion, we still have lots of shopping and shit to do.

So, Josie has an ear infection and Katherine is sorta getting over a doozy of a cold. The lingering cough is vicious, making her cough until she gags and pukes. Freaking nice. I just feel so bad for the both of them. Josie keeps telling me that her ear hurts. I did cold socks last night and it might have helped a little but it didn't take it away completely. We're really just trying our best to avoid the stupid antibiotics. They make her have an upset tummy and diarrhea. Boo. Plus, I'm not so sure they have ever really gotten rid of her ear infection and they certainly don't alleviate her pain at all.

Crap, Katherine is crying and pulling at me.

Maybe someday I can shower.

Random Dandom

I feel like I've neglected my wittle bloggy-poo but I really don't have much to say so I am going to be random. I can fill page after page of random bullshit.

I love guacamole. Oh man, I could eat it every day.

Thanks to Valk and AmyBean, I now understand how to use every day vs. everyday.

I need a new bra, I hate bad bras. Ugh, it can very nearly ruin my day, Goddammit.

I am so excited for Christmas. I get to see and spend an entire week with my cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings, nieces, and nephews. YAY! And one of my cousins I haven't seen in 7 years.

I think I desperately need a date with my husband. Just dinner and a movie. We need to make that happen, yo.

I hate worrying about my friends. Especially the ones who live to far away for me to just visit. I worry when I don't hear from them for a while or they get quiet when I know they are going through something rough. I fret and worry and stew and worry some more. But I understand the need to withdraw, too. It's just not my style. I vent and rant and tell the whole Goddamn world about what's eating me.

I get to go to dinner with one of my dearest friends tonight. With Katherine, of course. She's my velcro baby - never very far from me. I really don't mind. She's such a snuggle bunny, baby girl.

I need to find a way to make chicken Marsala without the Marsala. Think I could just add some sugar or something to white wine?

I'm apparently starving right now.

Guess I should go eat something or something.

Thankful

I think there must be some sort of American law to write a post about how grateful you are for shit the night before Thanksgiving. Or you have to go around the table and say it. I hate that. It makes me feel like I've been put on the spot. Plus, I always want to say family and friends and it ALWAYS gets chosen first. I always seem to be last and all the easy ones have already been said. Like good health, friends and family, blessings, etc. So, I'm stuck going..."Uh....Uh....um......my deodorant!" And then everyone gags.

Oops. I got off track.

This is what I'm grateful for right now.

~My babies and their good health. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.

~My husband. Even though right now, I'm slightly butt hurt because he snapped at me. He also works hard and helps out, and puts up with my endless bullshit on a daily basis. He's probably going to be sainted for putting up said bullshit, it's that severe.

~Our house. I still love it and hope that we stay here for many, many years. *cross your fingers*

~My camera. By far my most favorite material possession. By FAR. (Please baby Canny, don't get your feelers hurt when I upgrade, I'll still keep you around.)

~Chocolate. Need I say more? I thought not.

~My family, even when they drive me nuts, I wouldn't have it any other way.

~Coffee. I might perish without you, my dear friend.

~Speaking of dear friends, my BFF's. You know who, you know why, you know where. Love to you all.

~My bewbs. What can I say? They feed my baby and keep me warm.

~Reality TV. I should feel shame but I do not. Fuck it.

~Pioneer Woman. I love the shit out of that gal.

~Facebook. Whatever, the only people who read this blog already fucking know it, so why not just come clean.

I could go on and on...Almost as long as I could about my pet peeves.

Words

There are some words I hate. OK, maybe hate is a bit strong. maybe irritated by is a better way to put it. I have a bad attitude about a lot of things but I was thinking last night about words that describe "overweight". Blah, I hate them all. They all sound so.....Fat and u-g-l-y.

Some examples....

Chunky. Yeah, chunky just sounds really blocky and big and clumsy. Or like peanut butter or poop. I think "chunky" is definitely better fitting for a boy.

Chubby. Chubby is the more rolly-polly version of chunky, perhaps the more feminine version of the chunkster. Chubby is a little less offensive because it has a bit more of a baby connotation, right. Chubby can be cute, if used appropriately. I mean, it has no place on date night with your husband after you've given birth to two babies and you never had a stellar baby to begin with.

Pudgy. Pudgy is a gross one. Pudgy might even smell like ass. So, not only are you a bit f-a-t but now you probably stink as well. Not a good combo. Pudgy could me a masculine description, too....Huh...maybe not. I don't know if Pudgy has a 'gina or a peen. Pudgy probably wears lots of neutral colors and sensible shoes. The female pudgy wears mom jeans and a fanny pack. The male version pulls his dockers up waaaaay too far and has Velcro shoes or sandals with socks. <----NEVER a good thing.

Voluptuous . I'm on the fence with voluptuous because it has such a sexy, hot-mama reputation. Buuuuut, there are some gals out there using it who are about 70 lbs past voluptuous, let's just be honest here. Jessica Rabbit is voluptuous. Roseanne Barr pre-surgery, is NOT. However, voluptuous knows how to wear great shoes, has cute hair and probably has a hot boyfriend. And she more than likely loves herself.

Full-Figured. *sigh* As opposed to what? Half-figured? Almost full? I picture some 6ft tall, 200lb powerful woman when I think of full figured. I also think it might be a more feminist friendly way of saying f-a-t. I could be wrong. Like, "I am fucking FULL FIGURED, motherfucker, whatcha gunna DO about it? I will STOMP on you with my size 12 feet and whap you in the face with my Playtex 18 hour bra, bitches!"

Plus sized. Oh you poor thing, plus sized, you really try to help a gal out but you still sound a little shameful. Like when you walk into a Macy's (gag) and your eyes search out the "PLUS SIZED" section only to find the two racks full of lunch lady type clothes. Oh yeah, it's great, elastic waists, polyester pants in eggplant. <---HOT. Cardigan sweaters with appliqued apples or school buses or the current holiday. Full-sized is a fashion failure. Sorry, it just is.

Disclaimer: I have at one time or another been all of these. I'm not being a hater, I'm speaking from experience.

Small Confessions

1. I love country music and Taylor Swift. I could go on and on about why I think she is such a stand-up young lady, and a talented songwriter but I don't want to waste the time, yo.

2. I eat and ADORE white rice, plain old, super bad for you, white rice. I could eat it with beans and cheese and salsa or with butter and salt and pepper or just soy sauce. Love it.

3. I really have no clue what is going on in the middle east or the Sudan but I could give you a detailed synopsis of almost every reality show on TV. Or at the very least, I could talk about it.

4. I don't cloth diaper because I am too lazy. Well, now I am probably too poor as well, but really it's due to sheer laziness.

5. My baby is still in her jammies and at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I'm not getting her dressed. No lie.

6. I really believe I have the best babies on earth.

7. Of all the things I've "cut down on" since our own personal Great Depression began, its the little things I miss most. Like getting my eyebrows waxed or good make-up. *sigh*

8. It makes me really sad to discover that people do not change.

9. I still LOVE Christmas. I get excited like I did as a young child. I cannot wait to see Josie's face. (And its going to be a mostly homemade Christmas).

10. I hate that if I express my love for the Holidays people think its all about consumerism. Nope, I just love the uninterrupted time with my family and the good food and laughter that goes with it. You can suck it.

11. I wish I was better at Internet stalking.

Its a heartache

I was driving home yesterday and a song came on the radio. Shocker, I still listen to the radio, I know. So, this song is one that I listened to when I was 19 years old and so in love with my boyfriend. I don’t know, I guess it was our song or something equally as cheesy. *gag* But the song put a little smile on my face for that silly 19 year old girl who thought this boy was the shit. I thought he was so intriguing and different and new and all that other crap that is appealing to a sophomore in college. I was in my first apartment after living in the majorly nerdy dorms and he was my neighbor. Oh *sigh* how romantic. *vomit*

The boy and I stayed together for nearly four years and he broke my heart. Gently broke it, but it was broken nonetheless. You know the same old song and dance, he just didn’t love me the way he should he loved me like a brother. Whoa, ouch..and a little creepy. Of course, looking back it was all for the best. I sorta hate to even remember that silly girl who dated the heavily granola-y dude. I know that it probably "made me who I am today" and I have no regrets and all that jazz. But I do have regrets. I regret letting myself be "that girl". The girl who gets dumped and pisses and moans about it when I knew it wasn't something even wanted to last.

I was thinking as I was driving in the warm autumn sunshine my two girls safely strapped in the backseat of my car, that someday they would have broken hearts. It was such a profound, shocking thought. I'm no dumbass who thought her children would just float through life never having hardships or struggles. But the thought of some boy shattering their little hearts was something I hadn't prepared myself for.

My mind started racing. How could I protect them adequately but not shelter them too much? How do I help them recognize a nerdy jerk or a loser? Or even WORSE - an abusive man? How do I help them have the strength to not put up with that fucking shit for a fucking minute? I need to remember to tell them it's not cool to just give yourself away just because a boy promises you he'll be there. I need to tell them that being in love doesn't mean changing yourself and trying to become what he wants you to be. SHIT- how do I help them to remain true to themselves and their own dreams? Seriously, I was near panicking at this point. I kept going over my first loves in my mind, what words would have saved me? What conversations could have taken place when I was 12 or 13 or even at 7 or 8 that would have saved me from heartache?

Then, it dawned on me. Huh. I (like most every other person in the world) had to learn it the hard way. I had to learn by having my heart stomped and my pride shaved how to stand up for myself. I had to learn through difficult trial and error that the choices I make affect how I feel about myself. I had to hit my own pits of despair to know my won strength. And I'm no He-Man, I'm certainly not the strongest female I know, by any means. But I'm strong enough. I wonder if I would be if someone had managed to "save me" from heartache.

I really think not.

Still, I am going to do my best to make sure they make as few as my mistakes as possible. Ah shit, I hope they don't make WORSE mistakes. Great. Now, I'll never sleep again. Fuck.

Sometimes I don't think

I open my mouth and just let it flow. I, of course, think I am merely being honest but I have learned that sometimes it is hurtful. That sucks. I mean, it really, really sucks for the person whose feelings have been hurt but it sucks to be the meany butt, too. Its kinda like biting and toddlers. You think it's the worst thing ever when your one year old gets bit by another child. Until your child then turns around and bites someone else.

I hate the feeling of unwittingly hurting someone I care about. Now, I don't have a helluva lot of remorse if I intentionally do it but if its on accident, I feel shame. (Remember that from Borat?) Thankfully, most of the people in my life are much better people than me and have gracefully accepted my stumbling, rambling apology. That's fucking class, dude....And I mean it. I'm a pretty lucky gal to have such radical friends in my life. And to think that some of the very, very MOST important have never seen my elf ears in real life or clinked wine glasses with me over a shared joke. Someday, ladies, someday.

What else is shaking?

I just had the MOST hilarious conversation with my sister, Jenny. She is taking care of our Grandma's dog and house sitting. Grandma's dog is her baby and he's a pretty good dog but he is stressed and missing her. Apparently, the stress is manifesting itself in SHIT. Like diarrhea one day and then constipation the next. Jenny is not a dog person, and she has had do get pretty down and personal with this pooch. Like doing things for him that really only a mother dog should do. *shudders* I have half a mind to share the nasty details, but that really you will all most likely puke. And I fucking HATE puking. Ew.

PC Bullsit

Every night as I attempt to fall asleep, I think of these awesome blog topics. And then I sit here in the light of day and I can't remember a fucking one of them. How the fuck does that happen?

I'm going to sit here for a second and sip lukewarm coffee and try to remember.


Jeez, this is embarrassing.

Oh, here's one thing I have on my mind: political correctness. Has Valk already covered this? Probably, and definitely much more eloquently but I'll give her a stab. What the fuck is with all this PC bullshit. I seriously have to censor myself on an almost daily basis because I might offend someone. And not just some wad I don't care about, no it would be someone I love and truly value. So, I bite my tongue or keep my finger on the backspace. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't go around saying the "n" word or anything drastic like that. But I do say "gay" and an occasional "retard" slips out. I have gay friends, I believe in gay rights, truly. I understand why its hurtful and mean and derogatory, but I am a little stubborn so I want the right to call an adult female dressed in Winnie the Pooh clothes, gay.

Anyway, that wasn't the path of my original rant. I was talking to one of my friends the other day about Halloween. It NEVER even occurred to me that Halloween wasn't PC. OK, that's a lie. I know from my time in the public schools that they are shifting from Halloween parties to "harvest" parties. Fucking puke. So, this dear friend is a christian and she was saying that it irked her that they still celebrate Halloween at her kid's school and they totally downplay Christmas (it becomes "Winter Solstice" *insert eye roll*) and Easter has become "Spring Break". So fucking what? She was bothered that kids weren't allowed to pray in schools but they could still celebrate the devil holiday. Actually, I don't think she thinks of Halloween as a Devil holiday but there are definitely those who do.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong here but aren't there christian religions that actually believe in Halloween? Wait....Aren't there? Shit, now that I typed that out, I am not so sure. Huh...This post just keeps getting more and more irritating and embarrassing.

Whatever. My point (I swear I had one) is that why the hell can't kids be kids anymore? Now, they can't dress up and go door to door and ask for stupid candy. Instead, they have parties where the candy is just everywhere and they play stupid games. I remember trick or treating and the little tidge of fear and excitement. And I am freaking scaredy-cat, so if that didn't scare me then who's going to be scared?

crap, baby crying, to be continued....

Out of Sorts

That's how I'm feeling. Actually, I think that's how I've felt the last year and a half.

We've dealt with death, serious health issues, serious financial struggles, and some other stupid shit thrown in there.

I'm trying to stay fucking positive and not dwell on the negative and all that shit, but it wears on me sometimes. (Wait, is it wares or wears? Why can't I remember? Embarrassing...)

Oh, AND I'm PMSing hardcore. That usually just send me over the edge.

I just snapped at a dear frined and actually I felt like I was holding back, I wanted to be even more bitchy. I wanted to tell her to shut her trap and let her walk in my shoes for a while and then she'll really have something to bitch about. Like there was some kind of misery pissing contest. That's not really how I roll. Most of the time, I appreciate the fact that we're in the same (or similar) boat.

I think it was mainly because I felt like she hasn't acknowledging how much we have been struggling, and she's a dear friend so she's definitely on the up and up. I know that it could be soooooo much worse, I know that. And it comforts me a little. But sometimes, I want to shake this persona dn tell to quit the fucking bitching about a hangnail when there are some of us with amputated limbs, for fuck's sake. I don't really know if she is oblivious or sort of a dumbshit or what. It definitely makes me want to ignore the shit out of her problems, though. I'm super mature like that. I never do, though. I always offer comfort and support because I don't want to be that friend.

Whatever, I'm sure tomorrow I'll be laughing my ass off with her over a cup of coffee. I tend to get a little heated when I'm venting.

One other thing that has me out of sorts is the fucking ASSHOLE who thought it would be fucking funny to toss a fresh glob of dogshit on the twisty slide at the park. And then MY girl goes down the slide and smears fresh shit all over her jeans. Her ONLY pair of jeans that fit right now. They've been sitting in the garage since the incident and I'm not sure I want to deal with them. Who does that? James was with us at the park when it happened and his reaction was so fucking hilarious it actually made it slightly better for me. He was so pissed and highly grossed out.

Shit seems to be a theme in my life lately. Hell's bells and cockle shells.

My Grandma

This is my Grandma reading us the "Polar Express",
a Christmas tradition.

I don't have a lot to blog about but I'm holding a sleeping baby so......

My grandma is coming to visit us today. Man, I adore her. She is not like a traditional grandma. She has a radar detector and wears $300 shoes, carries Kate Spade bags. (You know its badass when its a "bag" and not just a "purse"). Grandma still works and takes long car trips, she can shop all day or make a meal for 30 people.

She danced at my wedding to AC/DC and drank with the best of us. She did my make-up for my wedding, too. And if you know me, I am waaaaaaay particular about my make-up, but she is just that good. She can shop all day or stay in her jammies and watch Lifetime movies all morning. It takes her weeks to open all her Christmas cards (I don't know why and it kills me, I always want to do it.)

My grandma is so cool, but not in a non-grandma type of way. She's still my Gram. If we are out together, people constantly mistake her for my mom or my aunt, which she freaking LOVES. Recently, we had a family member in the hospital and a group of nurses pulled me aside to ask her age. When I proudly told them, they were all astounded, like open-mouthed, jaws dropped.

Blue is her favorite color and she wears it fabulously. She has beautiful green eyes that truly dance. People always describe eyes as "dancing" but seriously her eyes really do. Her eyes have seen her fair share of heartache, too. When she was pregnant with my mom, she lost her father-in-law. She's buried her own Daddy, a brother, a beloved aunt and a few close friends. In more recent years, she's buried her own daughter and just last year her husband, my grandpa. I don't know if she'll ever fully recover from losing my aunt, her daughter. How could you really? She told me that no matter how old she is, she was still her baby. That makes total sense to me. And when I heard her tell my grandpa goodbye after more that 50 years of marriage, I thought my heart would shatter, puncture a lung, and I would die right there. What she told him was so sweet and loving, that I won't muck it up by posting it on the internet.

She's so rad and so classy and so...AWESOME. She just really, really is. I could go on for days. And now, she is the light of my girl's eyes too. Josie adores her, follows her around and just LOVES her. The most hilarious and sweet thing is to see Josie's little brown hand in my grandma's manicured hand walking through Nordstom's looking at shoes. My heart does a dance and so very, very full.

Just the other day, I was thinking that at some point I will lose her. It was one of those thoughts that you just shove aside and remind yourself not to future-trip (right Keeks?). But there's that nagging voice that reminds me that grandparents don't live forever. Mark my words, that my world will not be the same without her in it. I've said good-bye to some pretty important people, but I do not want to think about losing her. Oh, no, no, no. My heart will splinter, for sure. And it will not be repairable.

So, Gram, be sure to grab a bottle of vino on your way over here. Let's drink it up, put or feet up and relax. I love you, love you, love you.



















My Grandma and Grandpa.

Stupid Hair

I'm in a hairstyle rut. Basically I've had the same stinkin' hair since.......Um....1998 or so? A few time, I have deviated and had some horrible fucking results. One time I had a nasty case of "bad bangs" another time I was given a 80's era, Bon Jovi, fucking MULLET. You can see why I am hesitant to be risky. That fucking mullet took years to properly grow out. My hair is naturally curly, but not sexy, cool curls. Its more like course waves, actually its really curly underneath and in the back but flat in the front. So, if I want it curly, I have to put product in it and scrunch it. If I want it straight I have to blow it out and flat iron it. And even then, its never that straight. Either way, its a lot of Goddamned work. Fuck that.

Stupid hair.

I wear it up almost everyday. Awesome.

I should just hack it all off, but I've had short hair. I look like a gay PE teacher/softball coach. And there's nothing wrong with lesbians, rock on sistas, I'm just not one. Plus, call me old fashioned, but James likes longer hair and I like to please my man. (Only some times, though.)

You know Ree, the Pioneer Woman? I'd love to have her hair. Its long and wavy and as shiny as a copper penny. Of course, that's in pictures. Maybe on a regular day, its dry and tied up in a knot. Sure, it is. But hair that looks that purty in pictures has got to be good hair in real life, right? She has just enough bangs to look modern but not too young (I hate that) or too edgy. I hate that, too. Like when I see someone my mom's age with this razored, super young looking hair. But I also hate it when they give in to that God awful helmet hair that belongs on an 70 year old from 1985. Yuck.

Back to my hair. I guess I should grow it out. *sigh* Stupid hair.