Its a heartache

I was driving home yesterday and a song came on the radio. Shocker, I still listen to the radio, I know. So, this song is one that I listened to when I was 19 years old and so in love with my boyfriend. I don’t know, I guess it was our song or something equally as cheesy. *gag* But the song put a little smile on my face for that silly 19 year old girl who thought this boy was the shit. I thought he was so intriguing and different and new and all that other crap that is appealing to a sophomore in college. I was in my first apartment after living in the majorly nerdy dorms and he was my neighbor. Oh *sigh* how romantic. *vomit*

The boy and I stayed together for nearly four years and he broke my heart. Gently broke it, but it was broken nonetheless. You know the same old song and dance, he just didn’t love me the way he should he loved me like a brother. Whoa, ouch..and a little creepy. Of course, looking back it was all for the best. I sorta hate to even remember that silly girl who dated the heavily granola-y dude. I know that it probably "made me who I am today" and I have no regrets and all that jazz. But I do have regrets. I regret letting myself be "that girl". The girl who gets dumped and pisses and moans about it when I knew it wasn't something even wanted to last.

I was thinking as I was driving in the warm autumn sunshine my two girls safely strapped in the backseat of my car, that someday they would have broken hearts. It was such a profound, shocking thought. I'm no dumbass who thought her children would just float through life never having hardships or struggles. But the thought of some boy shattering their little hearts was something I hadn't prepared myself for.

My mind started racing. How could I protect them adequately but not shelter them too much? How do I help them recognize a nerdy jerk or a loser? Or even WORSE - an abusive man? How do I help them have the strength to not put up with that fucking shit for a fucking minute? I need to remember to tell them it's not cool to just give yourself away just because a boy promises you he'll be there. I need to tell them that being in love doesn't mean changing yourself and trying to become what he wants you to be. SHIT- how do I help them to remain true to themselves and their own dreams? Seriously, I was near panicking at this point. I kept going over my first loves in my mind, what words would have saved me? What conversations could have taken place when I was 12 or 13 or even at 7 or 8 that would have saved me from heartache?

Then, it dawned on me. Huh. I (like most every other person in the world) had to learn it the hard way. I had to learn by having my heart stomped and my pride shaved how to stand up for myself. I had to learn through difficult trial and error that the choices I make affect how I feel about myself. I had to hit my own pits of despair to know my won strength. And I'm no He-Man, I'm certainly not the strongest female I know, by any means. But I'm strong enough. I wonder if I would be if someone had managed to "save me" from heartache.

I really think not.

Still, I am going to do my best to make sure they make as few as my mistakes as possible. Ah shit, I hope they don't make WORSE mistakes. Great. Now, I'll never sleep again. Fuck.